After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
