worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Found your dick twin last night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
