I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
