I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I was not drunk enough for that final.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
