i permit you to call me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
