i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
