My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
