Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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