i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
it was like eating out sand paper
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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