How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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