Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
