Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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