Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
