cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
