two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
