I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
