i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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