dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
