dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
