someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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