Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
