I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
