All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
