Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
