I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I deserve this hangover.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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