I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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