Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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