some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
