Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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