The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
