here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
