so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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