I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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