Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
