just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
