Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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