Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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