I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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