I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
