first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
