the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
