Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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