i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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