you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
