12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
