I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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