the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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