Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My liver just had a heart attack.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
