You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
