I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
