Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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