I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Alive.
So much puke
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
