not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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