Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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