He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
