i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
