You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
