I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
