That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
