Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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