i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
