I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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